Today is Monday, December 27, 2004. I have to work on my webcourse project but instead I have been surfing the net. Jas and Donnie sent me a WalMart gift card and boy, did I have fun at WalMart yesterday. Everything Xmas was 50% off. It was really fun. I actually bought an M&M dispenser. Jas told me that she would like to have that once I am bored with it. I don't think I want to use it. It was just cute and 50% off. I could not resist that. I am afraid I have got the American consumerism disease now. Luckily, I topped my shopping off by going to Goodwill. I will go to the antiques store next. That sometimes can be much cheaper.

I sent Donnie some information about nonyas. Boy, after reading my email to him, I realize how mixed up Jas and Rowena are--Chinese nonyas, Chinese traditional, kelabits, English background, U.S. culture, and education to twist their brains. No wonder, they are so interesting, bright and independent. Oh, boy. Life is sure interesting around them. I myself have to learn to be happy about the cultures assimilated in myself. Have to go now. Too touchy feely to stay for long.

Dying has been on my mind lately; more out of the curiosity of not knowing than anything else. After learning how expensive it is to have a traditional burial, I am going to be cremated. A vault will cost more than $2,700 and a casket will cost about the same. Being cremated will only cost about $3,000. I also learnt that I can have my ashes turned into diamonds. However, I am not sure how many diamonds can be generated from my ashes. I wonder if my daughters would like to have their mother on their fingers or around their necks. Turning ashes into diamonds will be expensive and will cost between $15,000 to $20,000 per carat. I am sure that both my daughters will prefer to have the cash instead of these diamonds. Check out LifeGems at http://www.lifegem.com . They charge about $2,500 per .25 carat and apparently they only take the carbon from the ashes. My children can still have my ashes. Rowena wants to throw me out into the ocean although I would like to be cast upon ocean currents that would take me around the world. I would like to be able to return home to Malaysia one day.

Last Tuesday, I completed my training to be a volunteer for the Hospice of Central Michigan, http://www.hospicecentralmich.com/. I have enjoyed the training very much, especially the spiritual care session. Last Tuesday, we visited the Lux Funeral Home where we received a Funeral 101 session. I learnt that it is expensive to die in Michigan. A concrete vault costing at least $2,700 is required so that the ground will be protected. Then you select a casket costing at least $2,700 plus another $3,000 approximately for the services. It is much cheaper to get a divorce. The sky is the limit here. You will also receive a video showing pictures of the individual with selected music and scenes. I also learnt more about enbalming than I really want to know. Remember to die with your mouth shut because otherwise the mortician has to pin your jaws shut with a long stainless steel pin. Being cremated is cheaper than being buried. In fact the cheapest casket for cremation is only $195 and I believe that I can build it myself!

I have always thought that I would not want any viewing of my dead body but apparently the viewing is for the living. They need it to feel good about my dying. I am not sure that I care at that point. Time will tell. More later.

Long time no posting. I have just been too busy and not in the mood to post anyway. Jas, my baby girl, is now a married woman. She is grown-up, independent, and riding a motorcycle. She is ready to conquer the world. Yet, it seemed like only yesterday that she was a baby wrinkling her cute button of a nose at me and saying, "no, no, no." I do not remember what she was referring to but she sure had a strong mind. It is difficult for a mother, especially this mother to treat her baby like an adult (hehehehe....) but I am getting better at it. Because I feel this way about Jas, I am feeling more tender towards my own mother.

I wonder whether my older daughter feels towards me what I am feeling towards my mother. Three generations of strong Eurasian women--two in their twenties, one in her mid-fifties and the third in her 70s. I classify all of us as Eurasian because we look Chinese, eat spicy Malaysian food, speak English, Chinese, and Malay, and follow Christianity fused with many traditional beliefs. No wonder we are all mixed up! Amy Tan has it easy by comparison. This is too difficult to write. I am going offline. Maybe the next time will be easier for me.

My baby daughter, Jasmine, sent me flowers for Mother's day. She is so sweet and always remembers my birthday, Mother's day, etc. That is more than can be said for me. I tend to let these important days slide by me. Tomorrow is graduation day for the university. Excitement will be in the air and the students will be so happy to be done with school. I remember the day Jasmine graduated. She had a picture taken with the president of the university. I missed the graduation of Rowena. I wish I could have been there. Sigh ....

It has been a while since I wrote something here. The weather was getting warmer and then last week it became quite cool again. Brrrr.... I should be used to this kind of weather. My daffodils are really blooming now and soon my tulips will bloom as well. This summer I must take time to post pictures on this blog so that you can enjoy the colors as much I do. I did a crazy thing this past weekend. I painted my kitchen countertop bright yellow (with Disney paint for kids). Wow! I had so much fun while doing it because I kept thinking, "if I had a husband, he would not let me do this!" My yellow kitchen countertop. I am going to put orange spots on the edges as well. Another wow!

I am off to Boston this coming weekend to take a workshop on leading class discussion at Harvard Business School. I wonder how that will go. I have to do my homework before I go as well. It is fun being a student again.

The university is facing budget cuts. People are going around with long faces. However, the state of Michigan is facing huge deficits and the Governor must balance her budget every year. Oh, well, I am glad that I still have a job.

I am trying to get my fed income tax done before April 15. Definitely must keep better records. I can do my own taxes but it certainly would be easier if I am meticulous about my record keeping. Oh, well.... My boyfriend's elder daughter has a job with Target once she graduates. She is happy and he is happy. I am happy for her and so is her mother. Can you believe that her mother has the same birthday as I do? What a coincidence!!!!!!!!! The weather is definitely getting warmer when it remembers that this is April and spring is supposed to be here. Instead, we had snow at Easter, and the poor Easter bunny is having its buns frozen. I read an article that reported that a church group tried to convey Jesus's crucifixion by beating a stuffed bunny and breaking easter eggs. The poor young kids wanted to know why the Easter bunny was being beaten. Really amazing.
Life is too busy but definitely stimulating. Next weekend, Tom is coming down again to go to his niece's wedding. I am invited! Amazing. My head is spinning because I am not ready for all these commitments. Just joking. I can handle it. I just like being independent and so does he. He would never admit that he likes to have company. I will have to learn to shake up his life a little although he claims that he just wants to be left alone. What a boring life.

My younger daughter has a new Honda motorcycle. I am just worried stiff about her riding on those deadly Texas highways. Mmmm... I guess I will have to get used to seeing her in leather boots and chaps with metal-studded jacket. I wonder if both my daughter and her husband would pull the baby carriage behind them just like the way bicyclists pull their babies behind them!!! What a sight that would be. I wish J. would not use her blog to tell me what she is doing when it is something as important as this. Perhaps she can just write a note and mail it to me if she cannot tell me on the phone. After 25 years, she should be used to my reactions. Being brave enough to call me and tell me something unpleasant should be easier as the years pass. It is only natural to avoid conflicts and easy to choose an indirect way to say something.

My older daughter wants a sportcar. I suppose she has visions of driving off in the sunset in dark glasses with her long hair streaming in the wind. I am sorry to have to tell her that usually it is the older generation that can afford to drive expensive sport cars. The streaming long hair would frame a wrinkled face unless plastic surgery has been used to enhance the facial muscles. Also, older men may find it harder to just leap into the sportcars! hehehehe....

Oh, dear! My anak bunsu wrote on her blog that she is buying a Honda motorcycle to ride. My heart drops into my pants! I am glad that I have the time to think about this and not say too much too fast. After all, she is 25 and as long as she is willing to be responsible for herself, I am okay with it. I just think that motorcyles are so dangerous, especially in the U.S.

Just returned from Chicago and had to try and catch up with work. Grrrr.... The weather is also getting warmer here and the asian beetles are out in my house. They look like orange ladybugs but they are not the regular lady bugs. The asian beetles were imported to eat the aspids on the soy bean plants but it was later discovered that they do not hibernate in the winter like the ladybugs. The asian beetles get into the houses during the winter and then begin to come out when the weather gets warmer. They are quite harmless except that they do bite if you pick them up in your hands. They also give off a nasty smell if you squash them flat! This is so typical of what industries do. They find something to battle an ailment and they use it extensively without finding out the consequences. Now these asian beetles are a pest inside the house. Oh, well.

I am thinking of flying to San Francisco after the spring semester is over and there is a one-week break before the summer session begins. The airlines have good promotions right now. San Francisco is a nice city to visit.

Life is so short. I wonder what dying is like. To be here one day and gone the next day. Is there really an after life? Is there heaven? I would hate to go to hell because I really do not want to be burn forever. Neither do I want to be in limbo like Bill Murray in the Groundhog Day. Sometimes I feel that I work so hard and am rushing around so much that I do not have time to enjoy life. I see so many of my friends in the same boat. Why do we do this? (sigh....)

Oh, oh, my elder daughter is reminding to update my blog. I have a lot to say but not enough time to sit at my computer and write. I am not sure as well that it is a good use of my precious time to write too much on my blog. I will have to wait and see what responses I receive. One thing I get frustrated with is that SOME older people are not willing to listen and make changes. Some organizations have many senior citizens as members and these organizations are slowly dying because of a lack of younger members. This is because the senior members want the organizations to operate the same way as it has for decades. The younger members join for a while and then decide to leave because they are busy. For example, I get up at 5:00 am in the morning (okay, maybe 5:30 a.m. am because I lie in bed and listen to the radio news for a while), walk on my treadmill for 30 minutes (this is difficult to do), and have breakfast. Then I am in the office by 7:30 am and would leave at approx. 5 pm. Once every two weeks I attend the meetings of this organization at 7:00 pm. One senior member wakes up at 11:00 am and stays up until 2:00 am. She wants the meeting to last two or more hours, which brings the meeting to at least 9:00 pm. My suggestion that we have shorter meetings so that more members would want to attend fall on deaf ears! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........... This generation gap is really frustrating, and I am only 54 plus.

Last Sunday, my younger daughter turned 25 (a quarter of a century old). Of course, she reminded me that I am quite quite older--more than two times. Her auto insurance should be lower now although it should also go down when she gets married in July. I have to get used to the idea that my baby girl is a grown grown woman. I am very proud of her because she finished two degrees in six years--one bachelor and one masters. Now she is going to get married and will be moving into the next stage of her life. Didn't someone tell me that a woman moves from/to the stages of the daughter, wife, mother, and old lady (I forgot what this last stage is called). I am in the last stage.

I will be 55 in November, and boy, I can hardly wait because I will get a senior discount at Goodwills. This store sells donated clothings, household goods, and books at a very low price. I can also get a senior drink at MacDonalds and Burger King. I think other places want me to be at least 62 or older for their senior discounts. Getting old can be such fun.

Another fun thing about getting older is that I am allowed to be eccentric, grumpy, smelly, forgetful, and all things nasty. I am kidding. I want to be eccentric but none of the other horrible things. I am naturally forgetful because I just keep myself too busy. I have to write things down on pieces of paper that I lose anyway. I do not want to be smelly or nasty. However, in the U.S., people are becoming so sanitized that they do not have any immunity at all. Every little cough is passed from one person to another, especially in the winter time when the buildings are so enclosed.

Whenever I am in a bad mood, I just say, "I am not in a bad mood. I am just an old lady." Of course, in the U.S., 54 is not old. It is young compared to ladies in their 70s and 80s. This is the time to do the things that I always want to do but could not when I was younger. I have just signed up to complete another masters degree--Masters of Art in Humanities. Of course, I have seven years to complete this degree, and I also receive tuition waiver from my university. I pay $220+ instead of the $820+ per three credit hours. Right now I am just finishing up one 3-credit class called "Teaching buiness subjects at the post-secondary level." Imagine that. Learning to teach after being a professor for 9 years! This is because when I finished my doctorate, I was never required to take any classes in teaching. I thought that I should learn to be a better teacher soon if I want to stay in this profession. After this class, I will look into taking the fun classes; e.g., religion, literature, art or history. An interesting research topic will be the analysis of the institution of marriage across culture. The U.S. is in an uproar over gay marriages--a storm in a teacup, I say.

Oh, oh, time to get back to my homework.

Grrr.... This snow is getting too much for me this winter. I am trying to be patient because December was pretty warm but Jan/Feb is really bad. We have had too many inches of snow already. Most importantly, I have become stuck in my truck twice already. This afternoon I was coming home and driving slowly because the roads were icy. There was no snow coming down but the wind blew really hard and the snow drifted over to the roads. Hence the word, snowdrifts. I was fine until I was turning into my driveway. The snow had drifted from the sides of the road to the middle of my driveway. It was higher enough to catch onto my axle so that even having 4-wheel drive did not help. I called my male friends but no one was home. So, being the pioneering lady that I am, I dressed up warmly and took my shovel and went to move the snow from under my truck. Then I started the truck and tried reversing/forwarding it. It would not move. Back I went into the snow, and dug around the wheels and under the front axle. I saw parts of my truck that I had never seen before--all those heavy rusted metal parts! Yike! I had to go into the house to warm up a little. Then back I went to dig around, pondering all the while about my wisdom in choosing to live out in the country. I ignored the cars passing by, pretending that I were an old hand at this. After all, I have been living out here for about 9 years. Finally, after several attempts of shoveling snow, and starting the truck up and trying to move it, it finally groaned and inched forwarded. Yes! Please continue moving! Yes! Yes! Hooray! The truck moved and slided a little, of course, but it slowly moved in the direction of the garage. It wanted the warmth of the garage and it wanted to stay there.

Do you know that my hood (bonnet to those of you who speak the Queen's English) is frozen and I have not been able to open it to check my oil? Hopefully, the weather will warm up soon enough. If not, I will take it in to the shop and have them change my oil!

One of the things that used to bother me about the way English is used here is the fact that auto repair shops that fix damaged cars are called body shops. I found it really difficult to not say, "Excuse me, would you fix my body so that it is the way it was 30 years ago!" "What! You mean to tell me that you cannot fix my body! You can only fix my truck if there is any physical damage!" "Why do you call it "body" then?" "How can a car have a body?"

After several years of puzzling over this, I decided that life is too short and that I should just accept my body as it is.

So Chinese New Year has come and gone. So has the Lantern festival. It is time to move on and work seriously. I have the tendency to overcommit to social events as well as work too much. Let us see. I work from Monday to Friday (sometimes feel guilty if I take the morning off to work on projects at home). Of course, between the time I leave the office and going to Toastmasters, I have to go to Weight Watchers to listen to those like me who are trying to lose weight. I did not do too good yesterday because I went to the China 1 Buffet at lunch and had more than two pounds of food. Portion, portion, portion, my dears. Watch your portions if you want to lose weight. Luckily, yesterday was a freebie for me in the month of February since I already weighed in last week! Then I have Toastmasters on the first and third Mondays of each month to improve my public speaking.

This February I signed up for ceramic lessons, something I have wanted to do for a long time. So that is on Wednesday evening, after work. It is fun because I am trying to increase my creativity juice, which is difficult to do at my age--too many constraints. Society does not allow a Malaysian female baby bloomer to break out of her environment. I have been trying to for ages. I tried singing lessons one year but could not carry a tune, and besides the singing lessons became too much of a burden. Too many rules to abide by; practice, practice, practice.

Sunday, Feb 8 2004 was a traumatic day for me. I wanted to attend a book club meeting because I had not been able to go for a long time. The members would have forgotten me by now! Usually my neighbor, Jane, gives me a ride but this time she could not. So, I went to the office for a while, thinking I would work first in order to make things easier for me on Monday. Instead, I spent too much time on the Internet! I spilled orange juice on my keyboard and my t-shirt! Luckily I had gone to WalMart and bought a couple of cheap t-shirts and so I changed into one of them. I left early for the book club meeting because I had to find the house. As I found the house, I learnt that I had left my purse at the office. GRR....RRR... I had to go back to the office to get my purse. At this point, I should have gone home. Instead, I stayed and had a good time. On the way home, the road was clear although some spots had snow blown onto it and probably some icy patches. Just west of the intersection of Lincoln and Weidman, my wheels suddenly flew off the road and my pick up truck went ploughing through the snow on the south side of Weidman road. It all happened too quickly for me to be frightened. This is the first time this has happened to me. I was so very lucky that there were no other cars coming in either direction. A man who lived a little down the road came out to help me and let me use his cell phone to call AAA, the automobile club to which I belong. The towing truck came in 20 minutes to pull my truck out. The snow was up to my knees and the doors of the truck; there was no way I could get myself out.

On Monday, life seemed so sweet but I was irritable and short-tempered. Funny, .... one would have thought that I would be sweeter to everyone.

Friday, January 30, 2004. I learnt that the trendy name for women like me is quirkyalones . These women are professionals, have good careers, own their own houses, and may have significant others but not really interested in marriage. They believe in waiting for the right partners to come along. They have many friends and are cool. They run around in "Urban Tribes." Use Google to find more about quikyalones and urban tribes.

Just came in from shoveling snow off the paths to my doors and steps. Too cold and my fingertips are frozen. Morale of the story: do not have too many doors to the outside when you live in a cold climate. I have two garage doors for my cars and a small door into the garage plus two stairways to my frontdoor. Too many places to shovel. This sounds like a life lesson to learn--do not have too many irons in the fire or too many projects to complete!

One of the most common soul-searching problems that young educated asian women go through is "what will I do when my children grow up?" I just listened to such a woman, and from comments I received from my colleagues, this woman must have talked to many of them! The story is common. A young asian woman is smart and did well during her primary and secondary schools, and even in college. Then she married a smart young man (of course, because she would not marry someone who is not her equal) and had children. Now she stays at home and looks after her children. In the meantime, her children do well at school and are getting smarter than her, her husband is making excellent progress at his career. Her cries are "What about me? What happens to my dreams? Can I return to school and catch up with my husband?"

Often I tell such women that dreams do not go away and can be accomplished. However, such dreams must take into consideration her husband and her children otherwise the price they pay will be too high. I tell such women that they should only plan for two or three years ahead--enough to get a graduate degree, and then at that point in their lives, they can plan further. Some of them came to me with dreams of completing a doctoral degree. That dream is wonderful but that is too far ahead into the future.

I began my first undergraduate class at the ripe old age of 38, a wife and a mother. I did not know that I wanted to be a professor at a university. Things happened and then my dreams changed and now here I am at a university! I am not sure that this is what I want to do forever although forever is now getting shorter and shorter (hehehehe...).

Jasmine is engaged to be married to Donnie. I was caught off guard when she told me but I realized that in the U.S. because she does not live with me, I am not aware of how close she and Donnie are. Now I feel better about it as every day passes and I reflect back on my own personal experiences. If Jas were living with me as I did with my parents, I would have met Donnie a long time ago. I would have met him every time he came to pick up Jas for a date. I also realize that both of them have their whole lives to live and so they have goals they can work towards. Their forever is much longer than my forever.

Thanks to Wena, now I can post to my blog again. She is such a sweet girl and always tell me, "don't worry, mom."

Hiya, still trying to cope with jet lag although it is nice to get up at 4:00 am and do things. However, by lunchtime, I am tired. Last Monday, my secretary called me at home to find out whether I was going into the office! Who is the boss, me or her? Her excuse is that she was worried about whether I had arrived home. That is a good one since I would have called her if my plane had been delayed.

I am going to try the Atkins diet although only a version of it because I put on 6 lbs while in Malaysia. Now I have to try and get rid of those irritating 6 lbs. Now 6 lbs sound easy but these small lbs are the worst. They are the most difficult and it is almost as though I would have to starve to lose them. So, I am going to try the Atkins and lose those pesky lbs and then get back on the Weight Watchers. However, the Atkins has many things similar to the WW because I am supposed to keep track of what I eat and also to exercise. I walk on the treadmill because it is convenient. I do it at home and do not have to drive somewhere else. Besides it is brrrr....cold outside right now. Also, my physical therapist told me that it would be better to walk on a treadmill than on uneven surfaces out on the road. Walking on the road is bad for my back.

I am still trying to learn how to upload pictures to my blog here. I used to be able to learn to do FTP so easily, but now I am always in such a hurry that I find it difficult (grrrr....). Too much violence in my life. hehehehe....

My baby girl is getting engaged! It is difficult to remember that she is a grown lady of 24 going on 25 and should be making her decisions now. I guess a child is always a child no matter how old that child is. I am trying very hard not to treat her like a kid any more. Ah yah! So hard, lah.

Having to deal with jet lag after traveling from Kuching, Malaysia to Saginaw, Michigan is no fun. Sleeping during the day and being awake at night makes life too difficult to deal with although I am glad that I will not have to deal with the office until Thursday. I will go in either late today or tomorrow. It snowed here last night and the road is icy. Even at 7:44 am, it is still dark outside. The temperature is currently 19 degrees F (-7 degrees C). Brrr.....

Having spent another two weeks in Kuching after my visit last November, I realize how living in another country changes one's perspective. I also come to realize how much my two daughters do not know about the Eurasian side of my growing up. In fact, my mother does not talk about that side of my father either. I suppose it all happened too long ago. Growing up and going to school in Malaysia, I remember having to check the "Other" box in response to the question of race. "Other" in Malaysia means Eurasian, Caucasian or any other ethnic race that is not indicated. When I was in Kuching this visit, I checked the phone book for Kuching to see how many "Holmes" there are. It was difficult to find out because phone listings are by either your Asian last name or first name if your last name is a western last name. I remember growing up in Borneo, when any letter addressed to "Holmes, Borneo" was delivered to our home. Unless I tell my daughers about Eurasians, they would not know about this part of my background; they would not know that their grandfather's propensity to look to the U.K. as his homeland. He would have been proud of the fact that Rowena received her degree from the University of Birmingham, U.K. One of these days, I will write more about this.